Too Lonely For Purpose

The other day I was listening to WGTS 91.9 and I heard one of  the announcers talking about Samson and the potential that it was loneliness that caused him to stray from his purpose. (You can read the story of Samson beginning here.) Having read this portion of scripture numerous times, I never thought about the fact that someone as great as Samson was potentially plagued with something that a "commoner" such as myself and many other people face. Loneliness. 

Now I'm no theologists and would cut out my own tongue before proclaiming to be an expert in Biblical knowledge but I will say that I am pretty knowledgeable in what it looks like to be lonely and how it's so tempting to go into a place (or even stay in) that you know will only hinder fulfilling your purpose.

Prior to giving my life to Christ and letting go of my life as I knew it, I was a "Social Butterfly". I was always into something. I was always hosting some event, attending some affair and or involved in something. This was all added TO being a wife and mother and all that those positions entail. My calendar was always full and I liked it that way. I felt important and like I had a purpose. My phone was never fully charged because it was always being drained by conversations or at minimum, supporting the 2000-3000 text messages that were coming through. I was BUSY. After submitting and saying that "Jesus will rule my life." I realized that there were numerous things that God was calling me away from. He was calling me away from an environment that kept me busy but never bore fruit that sustained anyone/anything. He was calling me away from relationships that only pulled me further into the belly of the beast that is the world. The taste for things like certain music and the taste of alcohol were literally taken away from me. I believe it's because those things were triggers to that life that I had. I simply didn't desire them anymore. The sound of certain lyrics made me cringe and the smell of Pinot Grigio (Santa Margherita specifically) would make me nauseous. I was being "set apart" and I was perfectly fine with it.

So fast forward into a few years of serving God and having a grasp on what does and does not look like Him. I figured "O.k, I'm good. Partying, drinking, cussing and fighting aren't even a temptation to me but I miss the people. I miss the socializing." I have spent numerous hours and even DAYS wondering "why is it that NOW that I'm living my life right, I have no life even comparable to the life that I had before submission?" I would watch all the other Christians that I was in contact with be invited out to gatherings and still be very involved in the social scene without compromising their role as Christians. I would see these amazing friendships and sisterhoods/brotherhoods between people that I felt like I used to have when I was in the world. The loneliness that befell my spirit was real, almost to a tangible state. "Why am I here? What is all of this for?" I could not see any reason for me to have to feel as I was. All I wanted to do was reach back to those same people that I partied with thinking "we were friends, maybe I can still be cool with them." Then as I got to thinking about the base of our relationship, I realized that unless I was willing to go back into "that life", I would have nothing in common with them and it would be a relationship out of desperation. This was something that I could not do. This as not the life that I was called to. So I had to find a way to be content in what was clearly an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

I counted myself grateful that God spared me a couple of people from my old life that reminded me of who I was and how I was and how I'm in such a better place now and that they "liked me a lot then but love me even more now." They encouraged me to be who I am today and have continued to stand by my side in this journey. They have allowed  me to speak life into theirs and to let my life be a light in their sometimes dark times. I looked at the lives that God has converged mine with and I see that He has given me some very impressionable minds of my own biological children as well as a wealth of others who know my "story" and are bearing witness to my testimony. Who knows who these children will be when they grow up and begin to impact the lives of others. Who knows what is my ultimate purpose in the grand scheme of things. But this is certain; those that have encountered me have encountered genuine love, encouragement, care and concern.  The remainder of my time here has not been squandered on spending time in relationships with people in places that were born out of desperation. Relationships that would have distracted from spending time with ALL of my children. My time was used wisely. It was spent serving Him and His Kingdom. If that alone is the sole statement of my purpose here in their lives then I have fulfilled it. So yes, loneliness will come and go but it should never override the purpose for the life that we've been given.