Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts

Monday, July 15, 2013

Pink Elephants and Brown Skin



So there has been a great deal of attention in the media recently that has triggered a wealth of thoughts and concepts to roar through my head and heart. First let me say that I love the judicial system and all that it was created to be. When we look at it on paper, everything fits perfectly. It eludes to the notion that we are all as citizens given the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately, it takes humans, with individual emotions and personal motivations to bring that system to life and this is where things get muddy and messy. That mess is where injustice happens and causes outrage and frustration. But as one of my friends posted "we must address the pink elephant in the room" I began to think about it and realized that one cannot acknowledge what one doesn't see.



See, as a black woman who was raised in the south in from 1977-1995, I was able to see what it was like to be of a demographic that was not wanted. I recall being in kindergarten and the blonde hair blue eyed boy wanting to play in my hair that my momma had freshly pressed for pictures that day. I also remember his friend telling him that if he touched my hair he would not be his friend anymore cause he would be a "grease monkey like Natasha". I remember being called a nigger in 6th grade, telling the teacher and her ignoring me. I remember it happening again and being so upset that I pushed a kid and my mother telling me that  I should have never responded that way because that is not what I was so clearly this kid was not talking to me. I remember being in High School and hearing the white kids shun the white girl who dated one of the star athletes at our school who happened to be black. I recall them saying that once she had been used by a nigger she was even more trash than she already was (because she was from a lower income part of our area). In 1995 I remember standing in formation at Ft Leonardwood , MO on day two of bootcamp as the only black female in the first rank and hearing one of the males in rank behind me stating that "the only nigger I would ever _____ is one that looks her...you know, the one's who don't have hair that looks like wool off of a damn sheep." (I didn't respond because my momma said CLEARLY he wasn't talking to me because I'm not a nigger). I have been called out of my name, I have been degraded, I have been spit on and threatened to be killed if I didn't "get my black ___ back to Africa where I belong." Not in the 1920's, 1940's or 1960's before marches were held that demanded for us to be treated equally. This all happened after numerous people died to say that I was just like any other little boy or girl born in this country. I was American and because of this, I was entitled to the same rights and freedoms as my white counterparts. Right?



So when things like the OJ Simpson case arise and he is acquitted for a murder that clearly pointed to him having murdered his former wife and friend, blacks did not rejoice because "we pulled one over on them." The celebration was for a few reasons. One was that it meant that the system was not just messed up for the rich white people but it was messed up across the board so we were no longer going to suffer injustice alone. Two was that "now they see how we feel." It sounds harsh but this is just the raw truth of it all. Most blacks felt that he was guilty but him being acquitted had more to do with us seeing that we were being given the same "favorable" treatment in court as whites than it had to do with us believing he was innocent.

This State of Florida (Trayvon Martin) vs George Zimmerman happens and reality hits. Black kid (who Zimmerman referred to as "F___g Coons") is walking down the street on a rainy night. He is approached by a grown man (after being told NOT to pursue) with a loaded gun and loses his life. Even in death, this young man is vilified to support why it was OK for Mr Zimmerman to "defend himself". How was Mr. Zimmerman to know that Martin smoked weed? How was Mr Zimmerman to know that Mr Martin had been suspended from school? How was Mr Zimmerman to know that Mr Martin "liked to fight" or that he had pictures flipping the middle finger on his facebook page? This "F____g coon" looked suspicious to Mr Zimmerman based on his skin color.

Now without completely rehashing the trial, this is all that I need to relate to. Being marked because your skin is darker than the next. This is something that a white person will not understand. They don't understand it because the times that a white person has been stalked in their neighborhood is probably low if at all. Many blacks can relate to merely being stalked in a high end fashion store. So in the defense of the Caucasian-American, they can't understand what they have never experienced. Sadly this makes it too easy to go into a state of denial. The mentality seems to be one of "Brown won in 1954, so it's equal now." No, it's just not as openly accepted for people to be discriminated against. So the "Pink Elephant" is only seen by those that are willing to acknowledge that there is still a problem. There's no problem if you can't see it. It's kind of like termites. It's not until the frame of the house starts to get shaky that the owner will say "maybe we need to get this checked" and once the walls are opened up, the owner can see that there is an infestation threatening the foundation of what you've worked so hard for. 



So let's peel the outer wall down and show what's really there. Let's look to our brothers and sisters (regardless of their racial background) and see what's really the root of all of this.Let's find out why are the boards creeking and why did the hammer blow clean through the wall when I went to simply hang the picture? Let's have some open dialogue about why this hurts so much and be ready to work toward fixing it. It might take some time and I'm sure it's going to be painful but if we start now, we can really do some damage for the greater good in this life we've been given.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Looks Can Be Deceiving

I have been blessed with 3 amazing children and over the past couple of years I have realized that not only was I blessed with them, but yes, they were blessed with me. I don't say this to sound arrogant but I say this because I have always taken raising them seriously (even when it breaks my heart) I came to this revelation when about a year ago, a friend of mine said "Natasha, you make it look so easy." I explained to her that there is NOTHING easy about parenting and if people tell you it gets easier, THEY ARE LYING!!! It only looks easy because of all of the work I have put into being their mom.

People always talk about relationships being built on a foundation of trust and spirituality being based on a firm foundation of the knowledge of who Jesus Christ was and is in our lives. Parenting is no different. From the day we are given charge of them, we ought to be laying a foundation of who WE are in their lives...not who they are but who we are as parents. We should be letting them know that we are the authoritative figure, that we are the nurturer, that we are their closest confidant and their role model...NO WHERE does it say to be their friend or their peer. This child will grow, will change and will turn into whomever it is that they are called to be, but YOU...the base of who you are should be set and should not waiver to the extent of your child not knowing what to expect from you. BE the constant in the relationship.
 
Early on, I let my children know who I was and it let them know that "these are the parameters in which I am able to thrive in". In essence, it set three imaginary lanes that my son stepped into and has spend the past 15 years traversing life within and my daughters doing the same thing for 10 and 9 years. So I set the foundation and have continued to build on that. For example, I am able to walk in the mall without worrying about my kids bugging me for every single thing that they see because that has NEVER been o.k. I am able to go and have a conversation with one of my friends about a "grown-up" matter without a pre-pubescent little girl butting in because that has never been accepted.

People say "oh, but my children are all so different and I want them to be their own person." My children are still very individual. They each have very defined personalities and continue to blossom into amazing little people. This is all done in the lanes that I have given them to do so. When I have one wanting to run around to sporting events, I know to look in lane one. When I have one wanting to be the socialite, I know to look into lane two. When there is the one that wants to play and joke 24/7, I know to look into lane 3. THIS is how I am able to juggle this life as I do. The work is not diminished, but the hassle of trying to figure out 3 lives of 3 crazy children who all have 3 very different ideas of what day to day life would look like is non-existent because they all know to operate in MY life, not me into theirs.

Practically, what does that look like? It's simple...well, it's a simple word but a difficult practice. CONSISTENCY. Don't bend and certainly don't break because of the cute pouty face or puppy eyes. Lay your law and stick with it. After getting one too many citations for said law, they will remember the fines and fees associated with that law and stop breaking it. They won't even bother to ask you what the law is. Their friends will come over to your home and they will recite the law FOR their friends. This starts early. Don't live in the land of "whatever you like is o.k with me" and then when they are 15 years old you decide that said method isn't working for you so you punish THEM for not following new laws. Frankly speaking you should pay a penalty as well oh and believe me, you will. The arguments, disrespect and frustration that will come because you were "late to the parenting game" will be all the penalty you will need. But again, even at this stage in the game, consistency will be your only way out of the constant state of tension due to the new law of the land. Eventually someone will give in. Just don't let it be you.

So back to the initial statement, no, it's NOT easy and no, I wasn't given the world's most well behaved kids. Cutest, YES, but not best behaved. I helped them get to that place. I helped them get to a place of order and respect that has in turn, made my day to day life look easy. Setting the foundation for any lasting entity (building, marriage, faith, etc) is tough but it's a necessity if you want that entity to last and to withstand life. I started building the day the Dr said "it's a boy" and the foreman hasn't called "quittin' time" yet.