Unelected Leadership

Listening to WGTS 91.9 with Jerry and Blanca this morning and I was fortunate to hear something that in all my 35 years on this planet, I had never heard. The morning crew played the audio of the gentleman giving the introduction for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 50 years ago. 

 

(Listen at 00:46 for introduction.)

In case you missed what he said, he said "MORAL LEADER of our nation"...

There's no convention to nominate such an individual, there are no debates held to define or understand platforms, there is no ballot to punch for that position, there's no special election that is held to correct vote tampering.... This man was given a title that could only be earned by the life he lead.

...now before folks get into their "let me debate every good thing stated" mentality, I never said the man was perfect. I didn't come here saying Dr King was comparable to Jesus Christ so please, go have a seat and scroll to the next debatable post/comment/blog cause this one is not it. I post this to let us all see that each and every one of us can be Dr. King. It's not about someone calling us to such a thing as standing on a podium in our Nation's capitol speaking to the masses. It's simply about making a choice to stand up for morality. Making a choice to impact more than just the peace and comfort of your own life. There was nothing extraordinary about Dr King as he was created. He was flesh and bone just as each and every one of us. What made him extraordinary was that he decided to look out for everyone. 

So it makes me think "Natasha, are you striving to be a moral leader of just your home and small circle of friends or are you striving to lead any that are watching into the right direction? Would I ever be in the running for candidate as a moral leader?"  Hmm...5 words that are making me question the direction of my life. Time to make sure that the compass is properly calibrated on this life that I've been given.

Pink Elephants and Brown Skin

So there has been a great deal of attention in the media recently that has triggered a wealth of thoughts and concepts to roar through my head and heart. First let me say that I love the judicial system and all that it was created to be. When we look at it on paper, everything fits perfectly. It eludes to the notion that we are all as citizens given the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately, it takes humans, with individual emotions and personal motivations to bring that system to life and this is where things get muddy and messy. That mess is where injustice happens and causes outrage and frustration. But as one of my friends posted "we must address the pink elephant in the room" I began to think about it and realized that one cannot acknowledge what one doesn't see.

See, as a black woman who was raised in the south in from 1977-1995, I was able to see what it was like to be of a demographic that was not wanted. I recall being in kindergarten and the blonde hair blue eyed boy wanting to play in my hair that my momma had freshly pressed for pictures that day. I also remember his friend telling him that if he touched my hair he would not be his friend anymore cause he would be a "grease monkey like Natasha". I remember being called a nigger in 6th grade, telling the teacher and her ignoring me. I remember it happening again and being so upset that I pushed a kid and my mother telling me that  I should have never responded that way because that is not what I was so clearly this kid was not talking to me. I remember being in High School and hearing the white kids shun the white girl who dated one of the star athletes at our school who happened to be black. I recall them saying that once she had been used by a nigger she was even more trash than she already was (because she was from a lower income part of our area). In 1995 I remember standing in formation at Ft Leonardwood , MO on day two of bootcamp as the only black female in the first rank and hearing one of the males in rank behind me stating that "the only nigger I would ever _____ is one that looks her...you know, the one's who don't have hair that looks like wool off of a damn sheep." (I didn't respond because my momma said CLEARLY he wasn't talking to me because I'm not a nigger). I have been called out of my name, I have been degraded, I have been spit on and threatened to be killed if I didn't "get my black ___ back to Africa where I belong." Not in the 1920's, 1940's or 1960's before marches were held that demanded for us to be treated equally. This all happened after numerous people died to say that I was just like any other little boy or girl born in this country. I was American and because of this, I was entitled to the same rights and freedoms as my white counterparts. Right?

So when things like the OJ Simpson case arise and he is acquitted for a murder that clearly pointed to him having murdered his former wife and friend, blacks did not rejoice because "we pulled one over on them." The celebration was for a few reasons. One was that it meant that the system was not just messed up for the rich white people but it was messed up across the board so we were no longer going to suffer injustice alone. Two was that "now they see how we feel." It sounds harsh but this is just the raw truth of it all. Most blacks felt that he was guilty but him being acquitted had more to do with us seeing that we were being given the same "favorable" treatment in court as whites than it had to do with us believing he was innocent.

This State of Florida (Trayvon Martin) vs George Zimmerman happens and reality hits. Black kid (who Zimmerman referred to as "F___g Coons") is walking down the street on a rainy night. He is approached by a grown man (after being told NOT to pursue) with a loaded gun and loses his life. Even in death, this young man is vilified to support why it was OK for Mr Zimmerman to "defend himself". How was Mr. Zimmerman to know that Martin smoked weed? How was Mr Zimmerman to know that Mr Martin had been suspended from school? How was Mr Zimmerman to know that Mr Martin "liked to fight" or that he had pictures flipping the middle finger on his facebook page? This "F____g coon" looked suspicious to Mr Zimmerman based on his skin color.

Now without completely rehashing the trial, this is all that I need to relate to. Being marked because your skin is darker than the next. This is something that a white person will not understand. They don't understand it because the times that a white person has been stalked in their neighborhood is probably low if at all. Many blacks can relate to merely being stalked in a high end fashion store. So in the defense of the Caucasian-American, they can't understand what they have never experienced. Sadly this makes it too easy to go into a state of denial. The mentality seems to be one of "Brown won in 1954, so it's equal now." No, it's just not as openly accepted for people to be discriminated against. So the "Pink Elephant" is only seen by those that are willing to acknowledge that there is still a problem. There's no problem if you can't see it. It's kind of like termites. It's not until the frame of the house starts to get shaky that the owner will say "maybe we need to get this checked" and once the walls are opened up, the owner can see that there is an infestation threatening the foundation of what you've worked so hard for. 

So let's peel the outer wall down and show what's really there. Let's look to our brothers and sisters (regardless of their racial background) and see what's really the root of all of this.Let's find out why are the boards creeking and why did the hammer blow clean through the wall when I went to simply hang the picture? Let's have some open dialogue about why this hurts so much and be ready to work toward fixing it. It might take some time and I'm sure it's going to be painful but if we start now, we can really do some damage for the greater good in this life we've been given.

Stubborn Lilly Living

I have been told on numerous occasions "Thrive where you're planted" and originally, I thought "Well I guess that means that I'm stuck. This is where I have to be or else I won't grow." Then I woke up. I realized that I have legs. I have free will and unlike a seed who depends on mans' hands or natural forces like the wind to be redeposited elsewhere, I can choose my garden. 

What I have come to realize is that the lesson for me in that statement is that there are seasons and when that garden is no longer contributing to your growth, you need to move to the land where God has called you to be. See, I was hell bent on staying where I was because "I'm not a quitter." I also took the mindset of "I will not let anyone defeat me. Imma show them!!" Truth is, that once the season of growth in that area was done, staying there only beat me down more. Great things were beginning to happen for me and rather than seeing that as God calling me to the next season, I kept one foot in the old and was trying to stretch my other foot into the new. I had become unsteady and useless in any setting (old or new). Mentally, I was becoming unraveled. Spiritually, I was becoming worn to the point of questioning if I was "Christian enough." I thought to myself, "It is time to move on." Before making the final decision, I had to see "Is there something more for me to learn here?" I asked myself "Am I leaving like a bratty child who is not being given her way or am I leaving because the play date is truly over?" Well I hear my mom outside blowing the horn calling me to come out so we can go. I have to let go of the old things and know that whatever season I am getting ready to walk into, trials will continue to come. I recognize that my level of maturity has to increase to withstand the new season. 

The tough part of leaving from one season and going to the next for me is that I can't walk out of the house knowing that one of the kitchen cabinets is still open, let alone leaving a place and feeling like there was still work to be done. Leaving feeling like things that are not godly were still lingering and I wanted to stay there to fight it out and make it right is a struggle but apparently it's not my struggle. I have to walk away trusting the God will fix it in His time and His way. If He chooses to use me then I'll be available to move His way but if not, I must respect the process. Regardless of how it goes, I simply want to be the best that I can be in this life that I've been given.

Too Lonely For Purpose

The other day I was listening to WGTS 91.9 and I heard one of  the announcers talking about Samson and the potential that it was loneliness that caused him to stray from his purpose. (You can read the story of Samson beginning here.) Having read this portion of scripture numerous times, I never thought about the fact that someone as great as Samson was potentially plagued with something that a "commoner" such as myself and many other people face. Loneliness. 

Now I'm no theologists and would cut out my own tongue before proclaiming to be an expert in Biblical knowledge but I will say that I am pretty knowledgeable in what it looks like to be lonely and how it's so tempting to go into a place (or even stay in) that you know will only hinder fulfilling your purpose.

Prior to giving my life to Christ and letting go of my life as I knew it, I was a "Social Butterfly". I was always into something. I was always hosting some event, attending some affair and or involved in something. This was all added TO being a wife and mother and all that those positions entail. My calendar was always full and I liked it that way. I felt important and like I had a purpose. My phone was never fully charged because it was always being drained by conversations or at minimum, supporting the 2000-3000 text messages that were coming through. I was BUSY. After submitting and saying that "Jesus will rule my life." I realized that there were numerous things that God was calling me away from. He was calling me away from an environment that kept me busy but never bore fruit that sustained anyone/anything. He was calling me away from relationships that only pulled me further into the belly of the beast that is the world. The taste for things like certain music and the taste of alcohol were literally taken away from me. I believe it's because those things were triggers to that life that I had. I simply didn't desire them anymore. The sound of certain lyrics made me cringe and the smell of Pinot Grigio (Santa Margherita specifically) would make me nauseous. I was being "set apart" and I was perfectly fine with it.

So fast forward into a few years of serving God and having a grasp on what does and does not look like Him. I figured "O.k, I'm good. Partying, drinking, cussing and fighting aren't even a temptation to me but I miss the people. I miss the socializing." I have spent numerous hours and even DAYS wondering "why is it that NOW that I'm living my life right, I have no life even comparable to the life that I had before submission?" I would watch all the other Christians that I was in contact with be invited out to gatherings and still be very involved in the social scene without compromising their role as Christians. I would see these amazing friendships and sisterhoods/brotherhoods between people that I felt like I used to have when I was in the world. The loneliness that befell my spirit was real, almost to a tangible state. "Why am I here? What is all of this for?" I could not see any reason for me to have to feel as I was. All I wanted to do was reach back to those same people that I partied with thinking "we were friends, maybe I can still be cool with them." Then as I got to thinking about the base of our relationship, I realized that unless I was willing to go back into "that life", I would have nothing in common with them and it would be a relationship out of desperation. This was something that I could not do. This as not the life that I was called to. So I had to find a way to be content in what was clearly an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

I counted myself grateful that God spared me a couple of people from my old life that reminded me of who I was and how I was and how I'm in such a better place now and that they "liked me a lot then but love me even more now." They encouraged me to be who I am today and have continued to stand by my side in this journey. They have allowed  me to speak life into theirs and to let my life be a light in their sometimes dark times. I looked at the lives that God has converged mine with and I see that He has given me some very impressionable minds of my own biological children as well as a wealth of others who know my "story" and are bearing witness to my testimony. Who knows who these children will be when they grow up and begin to impact the lives of others. Who knows what is my ultimate purpose in the grand scheme of things. But this is certain; those that have encountered me have encountered genuine love, encouragement, care and concern.  The remainder of my time here has not been squandered on spending time in relationships with people in places that were born out of desperation. Relationships that would have distracted from spending time with ALL of my children. My time was used wisely. It was spent serving Him and His Kingdom. If that alone is the sole statement of my purpose here in their lives then I have fulfilled it. So yes, loneliness will come and go but it should never override the purpose for the life that we've been given.

The Honest Reality

I cannot tell a lie. 

(Well I can but I won't.)

 

 

 

Unlike Pinocchio, oftentimes I find myself trying to maintain a healthy balance of being honest (honesty) and what is reality of certain matters. I've always been a blunt person in my speech (though learning to be more tactful and delicate when situation required) and have tried to maintain a sense of honesty in what I say. Recently I found myself getting frustrated when people would ask me something about how I felt/perceived something and then try to refute what I say with THEIR honesty or even speaking the reality of things as to seemingly negate what is my honest experience. So I'm going to try and hash this out.

hon·est  

/ˈänist/

Adjective

Free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere

 

Being honest is simply telling things as they are. It means to tell things as you see them and don't add to or take away anything so as to lead others to believe things a particular way. For example; when you go to the DMV and the clerk asks you to "read the smallest line possible". You look and see that there are five lines but the smallest that you can read is the third line and it says "A Y R S C V D L" and recite this to the clerk. This is precisely what you saw and you conveyed that information to her. You honestly believed that she wanted the smallest line that you could clearly read and that happened to be the 3rd line.

re·al·i·ty  

/rēˈalətē/

Noun

The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them

A thing that is actually experienced or seen, esp. when this is grim or problematic.

 

Reality is what truly is. Now taking from the above scenario, you went into the DMV and the clerk said  "read the smallest line possible" and  you see that there are five lines so you look at the fifth line and recite "J V R S A E D V" and you have missed 5 of the 8 letters. The reality is that the line she was asking for you to read was the smallest one that you could read correctly. But there is a conflict because you honestly thought that she wanted you to read the smallest line that was printed on the test. Does your honesty change the reality? No. Does the reality of it all change your honest statement? No.

Now I have NEVER had a problem at the DMV (we will discuss lies at a later date) so this blog is not about my experience at the DMV. My issue is that when someone asks me something and wants me to be honest, I will give you just that. I will give you my perspective in an honest and truthful fashion. It just might collide with the reality of a given topic or situation but it is still my honest vantage on said scenario. Likewise, my honesty cannot change the reality of things. So why is it so hard to just recognize that I'm giving what was asked for? 

Remember that honesty is subject to perception and perception can be based on one's previous experiences and the filters in which they process things though. Reality is not. So if you want reality, ask for reality (in which case you might not get any answer from me because if it's involving another human being or free thinking creature, I can't give you THEIR take on the scenario) but if you want honesty, I'll be honest. I just ask that you be prepared for my honesty to potentially not match your reality and when it doesn't, don't think reality will change my honesty. All it can do is change my perspective and in turn give me a NEW honesty to present to you because my experience has changed for me to filter a new honesty through but that will not invalidate my previous honesty. Hope this all makes sense. I mean after all, I'm just being honest in this life I've been given.

 

 

 

 

 

Looks Can Be Deceiving

I have been blessed with 3 amazing children and over the past couple of years I have realized that not only was I blessed with them, but yes, they were blessed with me. I don't say this to sound arrogant but I say this because I have always taken raising them seriously (even when it breaks my heart) I came to this revelation when about a year ago, a friend of mine said "Natasha, you make it look so easy." I explained to her that there is NOTHING easy about parenting and if people tell you it gets easier, THEY ARE LYING!!! It only looks easy because of all of the work I have put into being their mom.

People always talk about relationships being built on a foundation of trust and spirituality being based on a firm foundation of the knowledge of who Jesus Christ was and is in our lives. Parenting is no different. From the day we are given charge of them, we ought to be laying a foundation of who WE are in their lives...not who they are but who we are as parents. We should be letting them know that we are the authoritative figure, that we are the nurturer, that we are their closest confidant and their role model...NO WHERE does it say to be their friend or their peer. This child will grow, will change and will turn into whomever it is that they are called to be, but YOU...the base of who you are should be set and should not waiver to the extent of your child not knowing what to expect from you. BE the constant in the relationship.
 
Early on, I let my children know who I was and it let them know that "these are the parameters in which I am able to thrive in". In essence, it set three imaginary lanes that my son stepped into and has spend the past 15 years traversing life within and my daughters doing the same thing for 10 and 9 years. So I set the foundation and have continued to build on that. For example, I am able to walk in the mall without worrying about my kids bugging me for every single thing that they see because that has NEVER been o.k. I am able to go and have a conversation with one of my friends about a "grown-up" matter without a pre-pubescent little girl butting in because that has never been accepted.

People say "oh, but my children are all so different and I want them to be their own person." My children are still very individual. They each have very defined personalities and continue to blossom into amazing little people. This is all done in the lanes that I have given them to do so. When I have one wanting to run around to sporting events, I know to look in lane one. When I have one wanting to be the socialite, I know to look into lane two. When there is the one that wants to play and joke 24/7, I know to look into lane 3. THIS is how I am able to juggle this life as I do. The work is not diminished, but the hassle of trying to figure out 3 lives of 3 crazy children who all have 3 very different ideas of what day to day life would look like is non-existent because they all know to operate in MY life, not me into theirs.

Practically, what does that look like? It's simple...well, it's a simple word but a difficult practice. CONSISTENCY. Don't bend and certainly don't break because of the cute pouty face or puppy eyes. Lay your law and stick with it. After getting one too many citations for said law, they will remember the fines and fees associated with that law and stop breaking it. They won't even bother to ask you what the law is. Their friends will come over to your home and they will recite the law FOR their friends. This starts early. Don't live in the land of "whatever you like is o.k with me" and then when they are 15 years old you decide that said method isn't working for you so you punish THEM for not following new laws. Frankly speaking you should pay a penalty as well oh and believe me, you will. The arguments, disrespect and frustration that will come because you were "late to the parenting game" will be all the penalty you will need. But again, even at this stage in the game, consistency will be your only way out of the constant state of tension due to the new law of the land. Eventually someone will give in. Just don't let it be you.

So back to the initial statement, no, it's NOT easy and no, I wasn't given the world's most well behaved kids. Cutest, YES, but not best behaved. I helped them get to that place. I helped them get to a place of order and respect that has in turn, made my day to day life look easy. Setting the foundation for any lasting entity (building, marriage, faith, etc) is tough but it's a necessity if you want that entity to last and to withstand life. I started building the day the Dr said "it's a boy" and the foreman hasn't called "quittin' time" yet.