I have been told on numerous occasions "Thrive where you're planted" and originally, I thought "Well I guess that means that I'm stuck. This is where I have to be or else I won't grow." Then I woke up. I realized that I have legs. I have free will and unlike a seed who depends on mans' hands or natural forces like the wind to be redeposited elsewhere, I can choose my garden.
What I have come to realize is that the lesson for me in that statement is that there are seasons and when that garden is no longer contributing to your growth, you need to move to the land where God has called you to be. See, I was hell bent on staying where I was because "I'm not a quitter." I also took the mindset of "I will not let anyone defeat me. Imma show them!!" Truth is, that once the season of growth in that area was done, staying there only beat me down more. Great things were beginning to happen for me and rather than seeing that as God calling me to the next season, I kept one foot in the old and was trying to stretch my other foot into the new. I had become unsteady and useless in any setting (old or new). Mentally, I was becoming unraveled. Spiritually, I was becoming worn to the point of questioning if I was "Christian enough." I thought to myself, "It is time to move on." Before making the final decision, I had to see "Is there something more for me to learn here?" I asked myself "Am I leaving like a bratty child who is not being given her way or am I leaving because the play date is truly over?" Well I hear my mom outside blowing the horn calling me to come out so we can go. I have to let go of the old things and know that whatever season I am getting ready to walk into, trials will continue to come. I recognize that my level of maturity has to increase to withstand the new season.
The tough part of leaving from one season and going to the next for me is that I can't walk out of the house knowing that one of the kitchen cabinets is still open, let alone leaving a place and feeling like there was still work to be done. Leaving feeling like things that are not godly were still lingering and I wanted to stay there to fight it out and make it right is a struggle but apparently it's not my struggle. I have to walk away trusting the God will fix it in His time and His way. If He chooses to use me then I'll be available to move His way but if not, I must respect the process. Regardless of how it goes, I simply want to be the best that I can be in this life that I've been given.
The other day I was listening to WGTS 91.9 and I heard one of the announcers talking about Samson and the potential that it was loneliness that caused him to stray from his purpose. (You can read the story of Samson beginning here.) Having read this portion of scripture numerous times, I never thought about the fact that someone as great as Samson was potentially plagued with something that a "commoner" such as myself and many other people face. Loneliness.
Now I'm no theologists and would cut out my own tongue before proclaiming to be an expert in Biblical knowledge but I will say that I am pretty knowledgeable in what it looks like to be lonely and how it's so tempting to go into a place (or even stay in) that you know will only hinder fulfilling your purpose.
Prior to giving my life to Christ and letting go of my life as I knew it, I was a "Social Butterfly". I was always into something. I was always hosting some event, attending some affair and or involved in something. This was all added TO being a wife and mother and all that those positions entail. My calendar was always full and I liked it that way. I felt important and like I had a purpose. My phone was never fully charged because it was always being drained by conversations or at minimum, supporting the 2000-3000 text messages that were coming through. I was BUSY. After submitting and saying that "Jesus will rule my life." I realized that there were numerous things that God was calling me away from. He was calling me away from an environment that kept me busy but never bore fruit that sustained anyone/anything. He was calling me away from relationships that only pulled me further into the belly of the beast that is the world. The taste for things like certain music and the taste of alcohol were literally taken away from me. I believe it's because those things were triggers to that life that I had. I simply didn't desire them anymore. The sound of certain lyrics made me cringe and the smell of Pinot Grigio (Santa Margherita specifically) would make me nauseous. I was being "set apart" and I was perfectly fine with it.
So fast forward into a few years of serving God and having a grasp on what does and does not look like Him. I figured "O.k, I'm good. Partying, drinking, cussing and fighting aren't even a temptation to me but I miss the people. I miss the socializing." I have spent numerous hours and even DAYS wondering "why is it that NOW that I'm living my life right, I have no life even comparable to the life that I had before submission?" I would watch all the other Christians that I was in contact with be invited out to gatherings and still be very involved in the social scene without compromising their role as Christians. I would see these amazing friendships and sisterhoods/brotherhoods between people that I felt like I used to have when I was in the world. The loneliness that befell my spirit was real, almost to a tangible state. "Why am I here? What is all of this for?" I could not see any reason for me to have to feel as I was. All I wanted to do was reach back to those same people that I partied with thinking "we were friends, maybe I can still be cool with them." Then as I got to thinking about the base of our relationship, I realized that unless I was willing to go back into "that life", I would have nothing in common with them and it would be a relationship out of desperation. This was something that I could not do. This as not the life that I was called to. So I had to find a way to be content in what was clearly an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
I counted myself grateful that God spared me a couple of people from my old life that reminded me of who I was and how I was and how I'm in such a better place now and that they "liked me a lot then but love me even more now." They encouraged me to be who I am today and have continued to stand by my side in this journey. They have allowed me to speak life into theirs and to let my life be a light in their sometimes dark times. I looked at the lives that God has converged mine with and I see that He has given me some very impressionable minds of my own biological children as well as a wealth of others who know my "story" and are bearing witness to my testimony. Who knows who these children will be when they grow up and begin to impact the lives of others. Who knows what is my ultimate purpose in the grand scheme of things. But this is certain; those that have encountered me have encountered genuine love, encouragement, care and concern. The remainder of my time here has not been squandered on spending time in relationships with people in places that were born out of desperation. Relationships that would have distracted from spending time with ALL of my children. My time was used wisely. It was spent serving Him and His Kingdom. If that alone is the sole statement of my purpose here in their lives then I have fulfilled it. So yes, loneliness will come and go but it should never override the purpose for the life that we've been given.
